I am a bit upset this morning. It is almost the end of summer and I just cannot wait until school starts for the kids. On the heels of my previous post “Chaotic Summertime,” I continue to lament the craziness of summer.
I have a lot of 12th house influence in my natal chart and boy, do I understand why. Also, with my Moon in Pisces and Neptune conjunct my Descendant & making major aspects to major planets, the influence of the 12th House, Pisces and Neptune is heavily felt. Always a daydreamer, in my own world; always seeing things through the rose colored glasses; always looking for ways to escape (love my wine, reading novels, even TV if I need something mindless for once). Especially felt is the need for downtime. If I’m with people, whether it’s kids, friends, family, or running around a lot, I need time to myself. I absorb so much that I get very irritated when I get home. And if I can’t be alone when I get home, I have to try really hard not to be b*tchy.
During the summer, I am home with the kids. I have to mentally prepare myself for a summer of being with kids and people almost all the time. I love my kids very much. However having this major Neptunian influence makes me unable to cope with this much activity and chaos. The screams that echo throughout the house, the fighting, even the loud playing just make my head hurt. And having other kids over just makes it louder. I have NO time to meditate. I have no chance to read anything because there is always some noise somewhere. Sometimes I can relax outside and watch kids play . It’s not loud and crazy ALL the time, especially when both kids are at a friend’s house or when my husband takes them fishing.
We have friends from out of town who sleep over. We have family locally who we have dinner with quite often. We have family from out of town who come to visit us and who we go to visit. The “vacations” are not relaxing, they are really for the kids. And yes, I do have fun when we socialize. It’s just very draining because it seems like it’s ALL the time. Having people over for dinner may not be stressful for all moms but it is for me – there is a LOT to do. I like to relax with my company but I can’t because my personality is a “neat freak” one. Things need to be clean and decluttered so when we have people over, I’m always clearing things away, cleaning…
I’m just very drained. We’ve had very few days where my husband and I are really together, by ourselves, for a long time. I feel it, I feel the sadness about not being able to renew my brain. At this very minute the kids are fighting and I’m struggling to get my feelings out in this post before I completely lose it. I really think I’m depressed. I need time alone so badly – or at least a break from the constant demands of the kids. Constant requests for food, drink, going to a store, going to a pool party, playing with a friend who isn’t home…the constant whining.
And I know I’m saturated with the energy of others so much so that I don’t know what makes me happy anymore; I have no sense of myself. The fact that I have to try hard to enjoy the kids when they are having a great time means that I need to take care of myself first. But it just seems impossible in the summer. The neighbors, their kids, the phone calls from other parents or kids for playdates, the parties, the out of town visitors…AND we’re not even done yet! In three days we’re having more friends over for two days. Then the day they leave we have a party to go to down the street (and I think my daughter has a pool party to go to that day, also.) Then the day after that we have another party to go to.
I try really hard to have positive thoughts and to just know that everything will be OK and that I’m doing my job as a mom if my kids are happy and can have wonderful memories of the summer to look back on. I know that I will have my desperately needed alone time once they go back to school. And I can accept that I am such a sensitive person that I am affected by socializing, summertime activities, etc. much more than most people and that it doesn’t make me a bad mom or wife. I am just me and though I’m not at my best in the summer, I try hard to be a loving, non-judgmental person. I already am hugely empathic so that is not a problem. I just really need to crawl into my 12th house of solitude and stay there for a long time.
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